The Feeling



Its been creeping up on me, and no I will not try to make it come out perfect here. Like I always try to do, and then it does not, or the goal is set too high, and then we I just never achieve it, and then bam, a sharp turn to the other, the “dark side”. So I have had “ the feeling” pretty much all summer. I am wondering, why? I have been such a happy bunny in the last year, with work flowing in, all these exciting projects, I felt on top of the world, like I was riding the great big wave, and at some points it felt so good, I was secretly asking myself, is this real? How am I managing to do it all, and I did, and this feeling of managing to do it all felt oh so incredibly good. But now, and it started ever since I left prematurely, I fled the Graduation to go and find my parents in Nice, because I did not follow my heart, but followed my Dad’s advice that I should go and network with that Bank Director, because I need money. Money. So off I went, I cut my plans prematurely and arrived and it is not something I FELT would go well, I used the logical side of my brain, you know when you kind of feel one thing, but then your brain makes a rational calculation and suggests when maybe it will be better to do so and so, because statistically. Yea, so basically that’s how it went in my head. So on a whim, I left the Hague prematurely and went to that Summer party at the Museum organized by that Bank. And that’s when it all started and all went downhill, why? Cos I did not listen to myself.

And since then Summer has been kind of weird. I’ve been feeling not myself. Feeling like a parasite, a total underachiever, leaching off my parents. Is that a bad thing? Should I feel guilty about it? Oh but society makes me feel so bad about it. And when I was in France it was accompanied by that lethargic state, which is the worst state in the world, when you basically have no motivation and no energy to do anything, no life force through you. It is so not me, I am even scared to write about it, in case it comes back. Anyway a long story short, the whole summer feels kind of like its been out of tune. And now I am back in Hague to prepare for my Garden project which I am really looking forward too, but I am kind of, well ever so slightly plagued by this feeling. Now how to describe it, maybe when I describe it, it will help me identify it and try to live with it? Is this me? Is this me pendaluming from one extreme to another? Is anyone else actually interested to read this crap? Maybe I should just go for that walk. So the feeling is, well its like this creeping dark thing, like this weight which resides inside, a weight of uncertainty. A weight, which keeps blaming the self. A dark chip, which keeps saying you are not this, you haven’t achieved that, its basically about achieving, and comparing and wishing you had so and so’s life, who look like they have it all figured out. Is this depressed state stemming from social media, where daily you are shown streams of everyone else and you keep comparing? Just get on with your own life, stop being so envious, its ugly, its very ugly these feelings and it makes me sick to have to admit them, emanating from myself. And no love for my self. Natalie is right, love yourself gurl. Just love yourself. Why is that so freaking hard? I mean from the outside you have all the attributes, so why within this black hole chaos and a feeling of sinking, of going under? Is this how I am programmed to be, sometimes surfing the waves, sometimes going under? Maybe this is my ebb and flow and I have to recognize it and learn to live with it.

Anyhow, this rant has no purpose. About from the fact of trying to describe the feeling and again feeling underachievement, but hey, at least you tried. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are not all made of stars.

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